Tales from the USS Obvious
by egrava
Summary: Follow the adventures of Captain Z'rrza Kish and her quirky crew. A parody.
1. The New Ship

Tales from the U

Tales from the U.S.S. Obvious

Nes Jiasha stepped through the doors to the transporter room. She almost crackled with energy as she took her place behind the transporter controls. She was the very first person to board the ship. Well, the firs crew member to board. And why shouldn't she be? She was Lt. Nes, transporter chief. Without her, how could the others come on board? Someone had to be at the controls for the transporter to work properly.

That thought made Nes feel important. Very important. Possibly the most important person on the ship!

Nes fingered the Bajoran earing she wore in her right ear, and stood a little bit straighter. She smiled to herself. A very important Bajoran, she thought. V.I.B.

Chief Engineer Snotty O'Shaunesy stepped through the doors to engineering. He looked about in mild surprise and fiery determination. He'd never seen and engine room like this before. The engine core, especially, was very strange, though he couldn't put his finger on why. Maybe it was the faint odor of toilet bowl cleaner lingering in the air . . .

No matter. He'd get her figured out in no time. Aye, he would at that.

He went about the room, checking all the instruments. Everything seemed in working order. But, before they got underway, he wanted to check things out for himself. You never know when you'll have to out run a Romulan war bird with one nacelle and the impulse engines off line.

The chief idly scratched at his kilt as he began running a level four diagnostic.

Rajit of the house of Xorn stepped off the lift and strode down the hall. She barely glanced at the other crew members as she passed. She was far too excited to notice them. This would be Rajit's first assignment ever aboard a StarFleet vessel. She had been one of the older cadets at the academy, having first served aboard a vessel of her native world, Kronos. How different this would be, to go from a Klingon vessel to a human one!

Mixed, she reminded herself. The ship may have been built in Earth's orbit, but humans make up less then one third of the crew compliment.

Rajit found the door she was looking for as stepped through. Proudly she surveyed her office. She'd never had her own office before. But, on board the _Targh _she had only been a common warrior. Now, she was a trained professional.

An ensign looked up in surprise from the panel he was working on .

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Rajit," the Klingon woman replied, "your new ship's counselor."

Security Chief Lt. Commander T'Killian stepped off the transporter pad. She noted with a touch of surprise that the decor was not the usual StarFleet Instead of the customary gray or beige, the walls appeared to be a muted shade of purple.

Fascinating.

"Welcome aboard," the Bajoran transporter chief said with a broad smile.

"Thank you." T'Killian allowed herself the smallest of smiles. Though a Vulcan, she had learned the value of adopting certain emotional mannerisms of the species around her. It made them more trusting of her. Especially once they learned that other Vulcans denounced her as being too emotional. All because of one evening and six Terran beers followed by a couple of margaritas . . .

T'Killian pushed the thought away. If she were to gain a better reputation among her Vulcan peers, she had to learn to be more logical. Ruminating upon events she could not change was the height of illogic.

Commander Fred Smith stepped through the doors to his quarters, pleased and a little surprised that he'd managed not to trip on something yet. His quarters were as spacious as he'd come to expect a first officer's quarters to be. He wasn't quite sure, but it appeared that all the walls and sharp corners in his quarters had been padded. Did his reputation proceed him?

As he explored, he was surprised at the grandeur of the bathroom. The toilet was the focal point, and was set up a bit higher than the rest of the bathroom fixtures, almost like a throne. That was odd. But, when one's ship belonged to a class called Goldblum, one had to expect the odd, he supposed.

Especially under this captain. From what Fred had heard, she'd be the oddest thing on the ship.

Captain Z'rrza Kish stepped onto her new bridge for the first time. This would not be her first command, but she was commanding the Obvious, first ship built of the brand new Goldblum class. New ships were always exciting. Not all of the bugs would be worked out yet. It would be fun watching the crew try to solve them. Especially if some of them were of her making.

She was both pleased and surprised a the color scheme of the ship. Of course, everyone knew her love of purple, but she hadn't expected to be so accommodated In the few brief moments she had before the crew started to arrive on the bridge, she reclined in the Captain's chair, enjoying the quiet, and daydreaming of the mischief they would get into.

Since she was alone, the captain allowed herself the luxury of a quiet purr.

The crew spent their first few hours familiarizing themselves with their new home. Commander Smith sat contentedly in his chair on the bridge. (He knew it was his since it was the only one with a seat belt and airbag installed.) The captain had left shortly after he walked onto the bridge. Smith found her intriguing. He'd met a few Caitians before, but she was so utterly feline. She even had a tail. At least it was a nice tail.

Smith eyed her chair. She was also the only Catian he'd ever met who dyed her main. Some gray furs of her natural color mixed in with the dyed red ones that she had shed on the captain's chair.

Smith watched the various crew members as they looked over their work stations. Lt. T'Killian seemed especially absorbed in learning the instruments. Various ensigns he hadn't yet met scurried around the bridge like so many rodents. Smith wondered if the captain would enjoy stalking and torturing them.

Hm, the captain. She really did have a nice tail.

Captain Kish looked around the table at her assembled officers; Commander Fred Smith of Earth, Lt. Commander T'Killian of Vulcan, Counselor Rajit of Kronos, Transporter chief Lt. Nes of Bajor. Last to enter the conference room was the chief engineer, also of Earth.

Now, why was it she couldn't remember the chief engineer's name? She eyed his plain kilt which clashed spectacularly with his yellow StarFleet uniform shirt. Maybe she'd just call him Kilt.

"Welcome aboard the Obvious," Kish said as Kilt took his seat. He stubbed his toe and muttered an invective Kish had never heard before. Well, it was a big galaxy. Many languages had never been heard on her home world, Cait.

"There isn't anything important going on right now," the captain continued. She combed her red main with carefully groomed claws. "Just remember, the ship is new, so she'll be a bit of a brat for a while. Anybody have any questions?"

Everyone looked at each other. No one said anything.

"What's the matter?" Kish said, in a low, playful voice. "Cat got your tongue?"

Her joke elicited smiles around the table, and a hearty laugh from Kilt.

She really did have to learn his name.

"I have a question," Smith said. "Why is there a picture of a man with the caption 'Jeff Goldblum is watching you poop!' in every bathroom on the ship?"

"They don't call it the Goldblum class for nothing," Kish said.

It had only been half an hour since the captain dismissed the pointless (though amusing) meeting with the senior staff in the conference room. Already, Snotty found he had to talk to her again. Striding down the hall, he thought the climate controls would have to be looked at. It was a bit chilly. He was getting the most unpleasant drafts up his kilt.

The chief engineer signaled at the door to the captain's ready room.

"Come in," Kish's throaty voice called.

Snotty walked into the room.

"Hello, Ki-, um, Chief," the captain said.

"We've got a problem, captain," Snotty said. "We can't take the ship out of the dock."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I can't figure it out. The engine's got all the power she needs. But every time we test the engines, they won't start."

Kish frowned.

"Have you run a diagnostic?" she asked.

"Yes, captain. A level four. Doesn't find a thing wrong."

"Well, take all the help you need. Just figure out what the problem is, and get it fixed."

"Yes, captain." Snotty tromped out of the room.

T'Killian walked through the doors to engineering. Technically, this was not a part of the ship she would see much of. But, as security chief, she wanted to be sure she knew every inch of the ship. She'd hate to have to stop and ask for directions in an emergency.

Though she didn't show it, T'Killian was surprised a the group she saw assembled in engineering. She'd heard of the problem with the engines, and that the captain had told Snotty to take whatever help he needed, but she didn't see how this group would help much. Smith, Nes, even Counselor Rajit were huddled with the chief around a schematic of the ship.

Just then, looking at the schematic, it struck T'Killian why the ship had always seemed a bit strange to her.

"This ship," she said, "is shaped like a toilet."

Smith looked at her and shrugged his shoulders.

"Goldblum class," he said. T'Killian chose not to say anything about the bruise spreading across half his face. From his reputation, she was surprised he had not been in sickbay yet.

"Any progress on the engines?" T'Killian asked.

"No!" the chief engineer said. "I've run every diagnostic I can think of. I've looked at every piece of equipment I can get my hands on, and some that I can't. I just can't figure out this new flush drive!"

T'Killian looked at the schematic. A new system.

"Did you read the instructions?" she asked.

Everyone gaped at her for a moment.

"Instructions!" Snotty said. "Now, why didn't I think of that?"

As the chief engineer started rifling through drawers in search of an instruction manual, T'Killian walked out the door and continued her tour of the ship.

"I think I found it, Chief," Rajit said. The chief engineer had put her and Lt. Nes to work reading different parts of the instruction manual. They'd been at it for nearly an hour. Smith had been sent to sick bay after he accidentally swallowed a small, highly experimental piece of diagnostic equipment.

"What?" Snotty asked.

"The start up instructions say you have to flush a toilet to turn on the engines."

Snotty blinked a few times.

"Of course!" he said. "You have to flush a toilet to get the flush drive to work!" He scratched at his kilt. "But, how do you get to a toilet fast enough from the bridge to start her up?"

Lt. Nes accompanied the chief engineer to see the captain.

"We found the problem, captain," Snotty said. "You have to flush a toilet after you've laid in the coordinates to get her to go."

"That's great," Kish said.

"But, how do you get to a toilet fast enough to get the engine started in and emergency situation?" Nes said.

"I have an idea," Snotty said. "Why don't we put a toilet on the bridge?"

"That's silly," Nes said, tossing back her blond hair.

"No, that's not a bad idea," Kish said. "We can put it right next to the con, so the pilot can just flush after he's laid in the coordinates. Good work, Ki-, um, Chief. You, too, Nes." The captain rose from behind her desk. "I'll contact the station, and have them make the necessary adjustments."

It had taken three days to install the toilet and necessary plumbing on the bridge, but the delay had been worth it. Especially since it gave Smith time to recover from his accident in engineering.

Kish sat happily in her captain's chair with her new crew gathered around her on the bridge. Now, they could finally get underway. She checked to make sure Smith was wearing his seat belt.

"Ensign," Kish said. "Lay in a course for the planet Cait, and take us out."

She watched as the ensign entered the coordinates on the instrument panel, then he reached over and flushed the toilet. The ship slowly pulled out of dock, and they were on their way!

How nice it was to be out in space again. Only one thing interfered with the captain's complete happiness. A continuous sound, just on the edge of hearing . . .

"Ensign," Kish said, "jiggle the handle."


	2. First Mission

The U

Captain Z'rrza Kish sat in her chair on the bridge, gazing at the view screen and idly tapping one claw on her arm rest. The Obvious was halfway through it's first assignment. A Trill admiral had retired from Star Fleet, and they were taking him home. Not a thrilling assignment, but Z'rrza had learned over the years that sometimes the boring stuff had to come first.

She looked up when Commander Smith walked onto the bridge. He flashed her a cheesy grin, and managed to make it to his chair without any mishaps. Z'rrza had tried to get him to wear a helmet at all times for his own safety. Not only was he an excellent and intelligent first officer, she also found him kind of cute for a human. It would be nice to keep him around. But, when he spent three days in sick bay after accidentally strangling himself on the strap, the helmet was abandoned.

Seeing Fred reminded Z'rrza of the other reason they were going to Trill. They were picking up a new doctor who had been on leave with her family, Nilani Gamash. Fred's mishaps had kept sickbay so busy, they found getting another doctor to be a prudent measure.

Z'rrza yawned. What an unexciting day.

"Anything to report?" Z'rrza asked Smith.

He made a show of thinking for a moment.

"No," he said at last, "unless you count the ramp I'm building in the mess hall."

Z'rrza looked at Smith blankly for a moment.

"A ramp?" she said. "Why in the galaxy are you building a ramp?"

"I'm not sure," Smith said. "I just had this irrational, overwhelming desire to build a ramp, so I decided to put one in the mess hall."

"There aren't any steps in there."

"I know. It leads to a window."

"Alright," Z'rrza said. She decided to let the matter drop. Maybe really short people could use the ramp to look out the window.

But, Fred's project reminded her of how bored they all were. How long would this trip last?

"Computer," the captain said, "how long until we reach our destination?"

"Estimated arrival. Is. Approximately nine. Point five hours," a halting man's voice responded. What had happened to the computer's normal voice?

"Computer," Kish said, "run a diagnostic on your vocal processors."

"Diagnostic in. Progress," the computer said. After a moment it continued, "Diagnostic complete. All systems. Functioning within normal. Parameters."

But the computer still spoke in that strange man's voice. It was vaguely familiar.

"Hey," Smith said, "the computer sounds like Captain Kirk!"

"I can't stand that guy!" an ensign said.

"I can see why," Z'rrza muttered under her breath. With a voice like that.

At least it would give the crew something to occupy them.

"T'Killian," Z'rrza said, "you're good with computers. See if you can put the voice right."

"Yes, captain." T'Killian started working away at her console.

T'Killian ran every diagnostic available, but everything seemed to check out. The only anomalous reading seemed to be a slight diversion of power to a storage room near the computer core. She would have to check that out. But, maybe not too soon. The new computer voice was annoying, but it kept the captain from being bored. In T'Killian's opinion, a bored Caitian was worse than an annoyed one. Annoyed Caitians got a bit moody. Bored Caitians played cat-and-mouse games with green ensigns.

Then again, T'Killian wasn't very fond of Kirk. He looked funny.

Snotty strode down the hall, carrying a plunger over his shoulder. He had quickly discovered that all toilets on the Obvious must be functioning properly for the flush drive to operate at peak efficiency. Normally, an ensign would be assigned to make sure all were flushing well. But, not having anything else to do, Snotty decided to do the rounds himself. He whistled as he went along.

"Computer," Snotty said, "how are the toilets on this deck?"

"All. Functioning normally," the computer said in Kirk's voice.

That was odd. Snotty scratched at his kilt.

"Thank you, computer."

"Beam me up, Snotty," the computer replied.

"That's not funny!" Snotty said.

Fred Smith waited in the transporter room. He had just seen off the ex-admiral. Now, he just had to see on Dr. Gamash.

"I have a lock, Commander," transporter chief Nes said.

"Energize."

A silver glittering appeared on the transporter pad, and quickly solidified into a woman with spots running down the side of her face and neck.

"Welcome aboard the Obvious, Dr. Gamash," Fred said. "I'm Commander Fred Smith. I'll show you to your quarters."

"From what I've heard of you, Fred Smith," Dr. Gamash said as she stepped off the transporter pad, "you'd better take me right to sick bay so I can get settled in."

"Okay."

Fred led Dr. Gamash down the corridor toward sick bay.

"You know, I've invented several new medical procedures just for you?" Dr. Gamash asked.

"I didn't. What an honor!"

Dr. Gamash smiled.

"It's not unexpected," she said. "There's a new course at Star Fleet medical academy now, based entirely upon your accidents."

Fred smiled.

"Cool," he said.

After Fred dropped the doctor off at sick bay, he went to the mess hall to work on his ramp. Just as he arrived, the gravity in the mess hall seemed to disappear. Fred managed to keep himself on the floor, but could only watch as his poor ramp floated helplessly toward the ceiling.

"Computer," Fred said, "restore gravity to the mess hall."

Fred felt his weight return. Then, he felt the weight of the ramp return as it crashed down on his head.

"Counselor Rajit," Commander Smith's perfectly non-nondescript voice said over the com system, "please report to the bridge."

Rajit put down the book she had been reading. Bat-leth history would have to wait. Dutifully, she headed for the bridge. As she entered the turbo lift, she wondered how Smith had gotten out of sick bay so quickly after the ramp incident. That new doctor must be good.

When Rajit stepped onto the bridge, she saw a familiar face on the view screen.

"Captain Kanit!" she said.

"Rajit!" the Klingon captain said, "do you miss us on the _Targh_?"

Z'rrza watched Rajit speak with Kanit in Klingon. Rajit didn't appear to be pleased to see her old captain. And the conversation seemed to be getting heated.

"That last sentence didn't sound too friendly," Smith said to Z'rrza.

"They're speaking Klingon," Z'rrza said. "It never sounds very friendly." Z'rrza thought with longing of the more attractive sounds of her own native language.

"I know," Smith said, "but that last one sounded particularly nasty.

Indeed, Rajit appeared to have just blown up at her former captain Kanit yelled back, then abruptly cut off communication.

"I'm sorry, Captain," Rajit said.

"For what?"

"The _Targh_ is charging weapons," T'Killian reported.

"For that," Rajit said.

A moment later, he ship rocked from a phaser blast.

"Shields!" Kish yelled. "What did you say to him?" she demanded of Rajit.

"You don't want to know."

"Hull. Breach on. Deck twelve," the computer said.

"That's my job!" T'Killian complained.

"Erect a force field around the breach," Fred ordered.

"Rajit," the captain said, "get back on with Kanit and apologize for whatever you said." Another phaser blast struck the shields

"Klingons," Rajit said, "do not apologize."

"Then just tell him something to get him to stop firing!"

"Channel. Open," the computer said.

"You weren't told to do that!" Kish said.

"Kiss my. Diodes," the computer replied.

"Will someone shut that thing up?!" Kish said.

"You. Can't stop me," the computer said.

T'Killian saw that Rajit had successfully contacted the _Targh_. Firing had stopped.

But the computer continued to taunt the captain. The last sound the computer made sounded like what Commander Smith would have referred to as a raspberry.

It was time to check out that power diversion.

T'Killian left the bridge without an explanation, so as not to alert the computer to her motives. The last thing she heard as the turbo lift doors closed was Kirk's voice making a pass at a young, female ensign.

The doors to the store room had been secured. T'Killian entered her security code manually, and forced the doors open. She couldn't believe the sight that met her eyes.

Captain Kirk was sitting in the storage room.

T'Killian quickly realized this was not a human, but an android made in the likeness of the late James T. Kirk.

T'Killian unhooked the cables running from the back of the android's head to the computer. For he first time, the android noticed her.

"What. Have you done?" the Kirk-android asked.

"I've disconnected you from the computer," T'Killian said. "I'm taking you to speak to the Captain."

With a sigh, the android rose.

"Is she hot?" Kirk asked.

"Commander Smith would say so," T'Killian replied. "Follow me."

Nilani Gamash had come to the bridge to look at a gash Commander Smith had managed to give himself.

"You're not supposed to handle a tricorder that way," she told him.

"I know," Smith said. "I don't know what came over me."

As Nilani ran the dermal regenerator across Smith's face, T'Killian walked onto the bridge followed by Captain Kirk.

"Captain," T'Killian said, "I fixed the computer."

"Computer," Kish demanded, "say something."

"Something," the computer replied, in its normal, female voice. Kish breathed a sigh of relief

"This android," T'Killian said, "had connected himself to the computer, and had taken over many of it's functions."

"Why did you do that?" Kish asked Kirk.

"I just wanted to command a ship again," the Kirk-android said.

"How did you get aboard the ship anyway?"

"Um, that would be my fault," the ensign at the helm said. "I bought him off a Ferengi. I didn't know he still functions."

"Shall we throw him out the nearest airlock, Captain?" Rajit asked. For some reason, most Klingons detested Kirk.

"No," Kish smiled. "Deactivate him and put him in storage. He could be useful later."

T'Killian led the android away.

Nilani smiled as she put away her dermal regenerator. She'd had not idea what to expect when she accepted this assignment, but one thing was for certain. Always expect the unexpected.


	3. The Borg Cube

Tales From the Obvious: Borg Encounter

An Andorian materialized on the transporter pad. The new communications officer. If his reputation was even half true, he would make an excellent addition to the crew.

"Welcome aboard the Obvious, Lt. Kadik" T'Killian said. "I'm Lt. Commander T'Killian. I'll show you to your quarter."

"Thanks," Kadik said. "I've heard a lot about the Obvious. I've been looking forward to this posting ever since I was notified of it."

"You've heard of us, and you still wanted to come?" T'Killian asked.

Kadik looked a bit worried.

"Is there a reason I shouldn't?" he asked.

"No," T'Killian said. "It was a joke. Evidently, not a very humorous one."

"I've never met a Vulcan that tells jokes," Kadik said.

"You'll find many things aboard the Obvious are . . . unusual. Follow me." T'Killian led Kadik down the corridor to the nearest turbo lift.

"Deck Eight," she ordered the computer.

"Shouldn't Commander Smith have welcomed me aboard?" Kadik asked.

"He's . . . occupied at the moment."

The turbo lift delivered them to the designated deck. As the doors opened, a grey tabby Caitian with a dyed purple mane flashed past and around the corner.

"Who was that?" Kadik asked.

"Captain Z'rrza Kish," T'Killian said.

Just then, a human with a cheesy grin stalked by, saying, "Here, kitty kitty."

"And I believe you already know Commander Smith," T'Killian said.

"He always did have a weakness for Caitians," Kadik said.

The Obvious entered orbit above an unexplored M-class planet on the edge of charted space.

"We've found the source of the distress signal, Captain," Kadik said. "It's coming from the northern continent. Terrain is heavily forested, but safe for humanoids."

"Life signs," Kish said.

"Uncertain. There seems to be some kind of static interference."

"Is it safe to transport?"

"I believe so, Captain."

"Commander Smith," Kish said.

"Yeeees?" He wiggled his eyebrows playfully at Z'rrza. She slapped him lightly with her tail.

"Assemble and away team, and check out that signal."

"Yes, ma'am." Smith rose from his chair. "T'Killian, you're with me." He tapped his com-badge as the Vulcan followed him to the turbo lift. "Commander Rajit, please report to the transporter room."

"You're bringing the counselor?" T'Killian asked.

"Klingons are good in the jungle," Smith said as the doors slid closed.

Z'rrza smiled. _And if Fred gets hurt,_ she thought, _Rajit and T'Killian are both strong enough to carry him back._

The planet was more than heavily forested. Smith had applied the proper word for the foliage that surrounded them: jungle. Not just any jungle. The plants grew so thick the away team was forced to walk on exposed tree roots.

They formed a line as they made their way through the jungle; Rajit led, then came Smith, and finally T'Killian. Rajit and T'Killian both carried a form of machete to help them make their way through the jungle.

"Why don't I get a machete?" Smith asked, a slightly whining tone to his voice. "You girls get to have all the fun."

"'Fred should not carry knives'," T'Killian quoted. "Captain's and doctor's orders."

Smith grumbled a bit, but he didn't ask for a machete again.

Rajit stopped suddenly. Smith ran right into her, but Rajit managed to keep both herself and Smith from falling. T'Killian stopped herself without help from either of her crew members.

"What is it?" Smith asked.

"Clearing," Rajit said. "I think I've found the source of the distress signal."

T'Killian and Smith peeked over Rajit's shoulders into the clearing.

The clearing was small, no more than fifteen feet across. In the middle was what appeared to be a Star Fleet issue distress beacon. Around the beacon were several Borg drones.

"Oh, dear," Smith said.

"Captain, we've got a problem," Kadik said. "A Borg cube just appeared from behind the planet."

"Get the away team back here," Z'rrza ordered. "As soon as we have them, go to Flush Nine."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Got 'em," Nes said over the com system.

The pilot flushed the bridge toilet, and the ship swirled into flush effect before hurtling into space.

"Captain," Rajit's voice said, "we have to go back. The Borg have Commander Smith."

"WHAT?!" Kish said. "Nes, I thought you said you had them!"

"Well, I have two of them."

"Ensign," Kish ordered. "Turn us around now!"

But, when they got back to the planet, the cube was nowhere to be seen.

"Scan for warp signatures, ion trails, anything," Z'rrza said, tapping her claws furiously on her arm rest. She tried to look calm, under control. A glance at T'Killian told her it wasn't working. But, T'Killian had known her a long time, and could tell what the lashing of her tail meant.

They had to get Fred back!

"Captain," Kadik said, his antennae at attention, "we have a Borg trans warp signature. It appears they dropped to impulse just a short distance from here. The impulse signature is erratic. We should be able to catch them within a couple hours."

"Helm," Z'rrza said, "lay in a course and pursue." She tapped her com-badge. "Senior officers report to the observation lounge."

Kish watched as her senior staff gathered around the table: Kilt (Um, I mean Snotty), T'Killian, Rajit, Dr. Gamash, Kadik. It was strange and disturbing not having Fred file in among them.

"Alright," Z'rrza said after everyone took a seat. "What do we know about the Borg?"

"They have adaptive shielding," Snotty offered. "And really outnumber us."

"But," Kadik said, "they have a tendency to ignore anything they don't see as a threat. We could use that."

"Oh, we'll be a threat alright," Z'rrza said, extending her claws.

"I read of a way to shield an individual from Borg sensors," Dr. Gamash said. "If we can get an away team onto the cube before they open fire, we have a shot at finding Commander Smith."

"And of sabotaging the ship," Rajit said. "We could set charges, and detonate them as soon as we find Smith."

"We'll try it," Z'rrza said. "How many of those devises can you have ready before we reach the cube?"

"With a little help from Snotty, four or five," Dr. Gamash said.

"Good. I'll also need a tricorder set specifically to scan for Fred's life signs. Rajit, T'Killian, you'll be going to the cube with me."

"You know I have to remind you that captains aren't supposed to go on away missions," T'Killian said.

"But, he's my . . . first officer," Z'rrza said. "Kadik, I want you at transporter controls. Nalani, be prepared to remove any Borg implants as soon as we get Fred back on the ship. And Snotty, as soon as we're on board, I want all the speed you can give us out of the engines."

"Aye, Cap'n," Snotty said.

"Alright," Z'rrza said, standing. "Let's get to it."

"Borg cube almost in transporter range," the helmsman said.

"We're being hailed," Kadik said.

"Open a channel," Kish ordered.

The too familiar sound of the collective voice came from the com speakers.

_YOU ARE THE BORG. WE WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FURTIVE._

The bridge crew looked at each other, slightly confused.

"That didn't sound quite right," Kadik said.

"Never mind," Kish said. "Everyone to your assignments. We have a date with the Borg."

Kish, T'Killian and Kadik were met in the transporter room by Dr. Gamash. Nalani attached a tiny cloaking devise to each member of the away team.

"Be careful with these," she said. "I don't know how long they'll last."

"Thanks, Dr.," Z'rrza said. "Any time they buy us is great."

The away team stepped onto the transporter pad.

"Energize," Kish said.

Kadik touched the controls, and the transporter room dissolved, to be replaced by the green-lit interior of a Borg cube.

The cloaking devises seemed to be working. Not one drone took any notice of them.

"Let's get the charges set," Z'rrza said.

The away team made its way to the detonation site. It didn't take long for them to realize something was not right.

They almost stepped on a drone that had tripped and fallen on its face.

"I didn't think the Borg were capable of tripping," T'Killian said.

A moment later, they saw another drone working at a computer terminal accidentally electrocute itself.

"They sure have gotten careless," Rajit said.

Not long after, they found a drone slumped over in its regeneration alcove. T'Killian accessed a nearby computer panel.

"It appears that he has euthanized himself," T'Killian said. "And the computer shows that several areas of the ship have accidentally been depressurized. The drones that were in those parts of the ship are now floating in space."

"This place is falling apart!" Rajit said.

"Let's hurry," Z'rrza said.

The three women rushed to the detonation site, and set the charges.

"Now, to find Fred." Z'rrza took out the tricorder Dr. Gamash had prepared for her. She oriented herself, took a step –

And her cloaking devise died with a small shower of sparks.

"Great," she said.

The Borg's response was immediate.

_WEE ARTIC BORED. EWE TRILBY ACCLIMATED. READ INSTANCE INFANTILE._

Rajit and T'Killian stared at each other.

"What is going on here?" Rajit demanded on no one in particular.

"I have a suspicion," Z'rrza said. "Come on."

At the sound of Z'rrza's voice, the collective offered its own opinion.

_CAITIAN WOMEN ARE HOT._

By the time they found Smith, the away team had a following of Borg drones. Interestingly, none of them tried to assimilate Z'rrza. They just stared at her with cheesy grins on their faces. Except for the ones who had accidentally fallen off of cat walks or strangled themselves.

Fred was in an alcove, evidently regenerating after the recent addition of Borg implants. T'Killian accessed the computer panel next to his alcove.

"I can't release him," she said. "The computer is looked into some kind of feed back loop. It appears to be a bad joke."

Z'rrza turned and addressed the ship in general.

"Borg vessel," she said. "I know why you are malfunctioning. The individual you recently assimilated has a trait that makes him accident prone. You have been infected. Return this man to us, and you should revert to normal."

The sound of a drone being disengaged from an alcove made Z'rrza turn to face Fred. He was ejected from the alcove so fast it took all three of the women to catch him. Before Z'rrza could contact Kadik to have them beamed back, the Borg transported Fred and the away team onto the bridge of the Obvious.

Z'rrza found herself staring at the cube on the view screen. As she watched, it jumped to trans warp with a velocity that almost left skid marks.

Z'rrza stood by the biobed on which Fred lay. Dr. Gamash had him looking human again. All the Borg implants had been removed. The few parts of them she had to replace with mechanical components, like his right eye, looked organic enough to fool anyone.

"How is he?" Z'rrza asked.

"I'm good," Fred said groggily as he slowly awakened. When he realized it was Z'rrza standing over him, his customary facial expression slowly took over his face.

"Hey," he said, "wanna get married tomorrow or what?"

"Sure," Z'rrza said, "why not?"


	4. Close Encounters of the Corny Kind

Tales from the USS Obvious: Close Encounters of the Corny Kind

Commander Smith walked around the ship, his cheesy grin pasted on his face. Since he almost always wore an expression reminiscent of dairy products, it took a few days for the crew to notice that there was anything special about it.

It took a few more days for anyone to notice that Captain Kish seemed to be just a tad mellower than usual. The constant, almost inaudible rumble in her throat was what finally got someone's attention.

It took only a few hours to put the two occurrences together.

A few minutes after that, the entire ship was abuzz with the news of the captain's marriage to her executive officer. Everyone was flabbergasted.

Except Kadik and T'Killian. Someone had to serve as witnesses.

Once the news got out, the crew wanted a party. A marriage was as good a reason as any to celebrate, after all. And there was nothing the crew of the Obvious loved more than a party. Except for maybe properly functioning plumbing.

T'Killian arrived late to the party. She lost track of time reading Shakespeare in her quarters. As she walked through the doors to the holodeck, Kadik came skidding up behind her.

"At least I'm not the only one who's late," T'Killian said. "I over-read. What's your excuse?"

"Problems with the sonic shower," Kadik said, and adjusted his glasses.

"Is it not working properly?" T'Killian asked. "We can get a maintenance crew in to fix it."

"Oh, no, it works fine." Kadik's antennae went a bit tense. He leaned toward T'Killian and asked, "C-can you tell that this is a rug?" He pointed to his white hair.

T'Killian wondered briefly how Kadik managed to lose his hair in the sonic shower, then decided she didn't really want to know.

"It looks fine," she said. "No one will notice."

Kadik's antennae relaxed and he smiled.

"Thanks," he said, and strolled off into the party crowd.

T'Killian wandered around, finally ending up at the refreshment table near the captain. Kish had been cornered by an ensign from hydroponics. He was busy telling her how surprised and thrilled he was to hear the news. T'Killian thought the smile on the captain's face looked more like a threatening snarl, but the ensign was undeterred.

T'Killian studied the party decorations. Normally, for such occasions, the holodeck was made up into a tropical paradise, but today, it looked exactly like the inside of a Borg cube. Even the refreshments had been Borg-ified. T'Killian eyed her unidentifiable drink skeptically.

Interestingly enough, the decorations had been Commander Smith's idea.

Speaking of Smith, he was being chatted up, too. By a very short person with green skin, a huge, hairless head, large almond shaped eyes, and a tiny mouth.

What a horrible costume, T'Killian thought.

Z'rrza tapped T'Killian's shoulder.

"Any chance this party will be over soon?" Z'rrza asked.

"Captain," the Kish's com-badge said, "we've met and interesting ship. Can you come to the bridge, please?"

Z'rrza smiled.

"Sometimes wishes do come true," she said. "Come on."

When the captain and chief of security walked onto the bridge, a strange ship was on the view screen. It was a silver disks, with blinking lights around it's thinnest edge, and a bulge on the top.

"Looks like it came from a bad sci-fi movie," the captain said. "What do they want?"

"They won't say," the ensign at communications said. "They just keep asking to see our leader.:

"Quaint," T'Killian said, taking over her duty station.

Z'rrza sat in the captains chair, running a hand through her recently bleached mane.

"Hail them," she said.

A large, green, hairless head with large, almond shaped eyes and a tiny mouth appeared on the screen.

"Take us to your leader," the head said.

"I'm the leader, Captain Z'rrza Kish of the Federation Star-ship Obvious. What can I do for you?"

The head looked like it wanted to blink in surprise.

"That never worked before," it said. The head turned toward someone off screen. "Go to plan B!" it said. The channel was suddenly cut off.

"They're sweeping the ship with some kind of energy beam," T'Killian said. "Captain, I saw one of them on the holodeck, talking to Commander Smith."

"Let's see what he wanted." Z'rrza tapped her com-badge. "Commander Smith, please report to the bridge."

No reply.

"Commander Smith, respond."

Still no reply.

"Computer, where is Commander Smith?"

"Commander Smith is not aboard the ship," the computer said.

Z'rrza blinked.

"How long has he been gone?"

"Sensors indicate he was transported off the ship just after the aliens cut off their transmission," T'Killian said. "It would be logical to assume that he is on their ship."

"Scan the ship," Z'rrza said.

T'Killian hands raced over her controls. As she worked, Kadik walked off the turbo lift onto the bridge.

"Um, Fred just d-disappeared from the holodeck with a corny looking alien," he said. Kadik took his station.

"We know," Kish said. "T'Killian?"

"I can't get any clear sensor readings of the inside of the ship," T'Killian said. "Their hull seems to produce an echo effect on our sensors."

"Can we beam someone over?"

"Yes," Kadik said, "but we won't be able to get a lock to transport them back."

Z'rrza tapped her claws on her arm rest.

"We'll take a shuttle," she said.

"Captain," T'Killian said, "need I remind you -"

"Yes, yes, captains aren't supposed to go on away missions." Z'rrza waved her hand dismissively. "T'Killian, you're with me."

"Can I come?" Kadik said.

"Why not?" Z'rrza said. "We'll take Rajit, too. We may need help over there."

Fred opened his eyes and blinked several times to clear his vision.

Where was he?

He turned his head and looked around. He was strapped to a metal table in what seemed to be a medical lab. He warily eyed the aliens that surrounded him and their dubious looking medical equipment. One alien was doing something to Fred's feet. It tickled. Fred's foot jerked, and narrowly missed kicking the alien in the head.

He'd been kidnapped by aliens. And they were going to experiment on him.

Fred sighed, wishing they'd at least strapped him to a warm table instead of a cold one.

Another alien came over and poked Fred's belly.

"He he," Fred giggled.

"Oh, he's awake," the alien who poked him said. "William," he called over his shoulder, "get that paper, if you can!"

A shorter alien with the biggest head Fred had ever seen, appeared with a sheet of paper and handed it to Pokey (as Fred had begun calling the alien who poked his abdomen). As William disappeared, Pokey mumbled something about "hauling a gargantuan cranium about".

Pokey held the paper in front of Fred's face.

"Can you read this?" he asked.

"Sure," Fred said. "What is it?"

"A medical waiver. This says we're going to experiment on you, and you won't hold us responsible for the consequences. Sign it, please."

"Do I get to go home after the experiments?"

"Yes."

"If I sign, will you let me off this cold table?"

The alien thought for a moment.

"Alright," it said.

"Okay." Fred grinned. This could be kinda fun.

An hour later, Fred sat on a much warmer surface. He was glad of it, for the aliens had taken most of his clothes. The only thing they'd left him was his smiley-face boxers.

Most of the experiments so far hadn't been very interesting. They'd inject him with something, wait a few minutes, take readings, inject him with something else. Occasionally, an injection would have a curious side effect. One clear liquid they'd put into him have Fred the uncontrollable urge to give noogies. He wasn't able to stop himself until he'd personally rubbed his knuckles on the top of every bald, green head on the ship.

But, the pink stuff they'd just put into him was really fun. Fred giggled to himself softly as little pink Caitians danced around over his head. This was great! Normally, he only felt this way after receiving a sharp blow to the head. Who would have thought he could hallucinate without pain!

A blue vial on a little tray next to Fred caught his attention. The pink stuff made him see pink Caitians. Maybe this would make them turn blue. Conveniently, the vial was already loaded in an injector. Fred picked it up, and shot it into his abdomen.

The little Caitians stayed pink. Oh, well. They were still cute.

An alien came into the room.

"Has anyone seen my Bolian DNA?" he asked the aliens who were already there.

"Nope," they all said.

The newcomer sighed, then saw the vial in Fred's hand.

"Oh, no," the alien said.

Z'rrza docked th shuttle with the alien ship. It was insanely easy to get in. There were virtually no security measures in place.

Once on the alien ship, the four Obvious people made their way through the corridors, weapons drawn, keeping an eye out for trouble.

"Captain," Kadik whispered, "I can hear the aliens. And Fred."

"Where?"

Kadik concentrated for a moment.

"Left at the next corridor, third right after that, down about a hundred meters, second door from the end."

"Let's go," Z'rrza said.

Kadik led the way, followed by Z'rrza, then Rajit. T'Killian came last.

Just where Kadik said it would be, they found an open door. An alien had just gone through it.

"Has anyone seen my Bolian DNA?" they heard the alien ask.

"Alright," Z'rrza said softly, "on three. One. Two. Three!"

The away team leaped into the room.

"Don't move!" Z'rrza said.

All the aliens turned to face them. In the middle of the room, Fred sat on a table wearing nothing but smiley-face boxers. He looked up, and saw Z'rrza.

"Kitty!" he said, with a big grin and a silly giggle.

One of the aliens sighed.

"It looks like we're losing another one," he said.

Kadik edged further into the room. He snagged his white wig on an instrument that jutted out of the wall. The wig came off to reveal, not the bald pate T'Killian was expecting, but thick, black hair.

Well, he hadn't actually said he'd lost his hair in the shower, T'Killian thought. She made a mental note to refrain from making assumptions.

Kadik picked up his wig, tried to put it back on his head, gave up, and shoved it in his pocket.

Everyone politely pretended they didn't notice. Except Fred, who's giggle grew louder.

"I want my crewman," Z'rrza told the aliens. "And his uniform."

"Very well," the same alien said. he pulled most of Fred's uniform out of a drawer, but couldn't find his pants.

"William, pants, now!" he said. A short alien with an enormous cranium started to scurry around in search of the missing trousers. Another alien tried to help Fred into his shirt. By this time, Fred was giggling so hard, he'd given himself the hiccups.

"Rajit, Kadik, get Fred back to the shuttle," Z'rrza said, once his pants had been located.

Rajit and Kadik, supporting Fred on each side, managed to get him out the door. They could hear hiccups and chuckles fading down the hall.

Z'rrza kept her weapon trained on the aliens.

"What makes you think you have the right to experiment on a member of my crew?" she asked.

"He gave us permission," the lead alien said.

"Huh?"

The alien rummaged in a file drawer, pulled out a sheet of paper, and handed it to Z'rrza. She read over the document. Sure enough, it was a medical waiver, with Fred's signature at the bottom, giving the aliens permission to experiment on him.

"What would you have done if he had not signed?" T'Killian asked.

The alien looked shocked and hurt.

"We would have sent him back, of course!"

Once aboard the shuttle, Z'rrza had Fred beamed directly to sick-bay. When she got to the ship, she immediately went to check on Fred. He was still didn't have his pants on. Somehow, he'd gotten hold of a marker and was busy drawing cat ears and whiskers on the smiley faces on his boxers.

"How's he doing?" Z'rrza asked Dr. Gamash.

"The aliens didn't hurt him at all. They just got him high," she said. "This will probably be Fred's shortest sick-bay stay ever."

Z'rrza relaxed. That was the best news she'd heard all day.

"Wait, what's this?" Nilani said, looking over some readings. "Captain, you're not going to believe this."

"What?"

"Uh, well . . .it looks like Commander Smith is pregnant. With a Bolian."


End file.
